Hey gang! Sorry it’s been so long, but since Nigella went into reruns I just haven’t had the time or (gulp) desire to tune in. It’s weird… thinking back to the unemployed summers of yore, we were practically tied at the hip. Remember watching Tyler flirt with middle-aged, married women, putting mayonnaise on fried stuff with Paula and holding our breath while Rachael tried to make it from her fridge to the counter without dropping anything (Oops! You almost made it, girl!)? Those were the days! It wasn’t that exciting, but people were making food – food that looked good and that I often felt competent enough to prepare myself. What happened to that?
Just when America is truly embracing the joy of cooking, you’ve become curiously preoccupied with eating out. I caught a couple hours of your programming yesterday afternoon, and I wasn’t very pleased. Watching Giada De Laurentiis salivate before the arrival of her scrambled eggs at a restaurant that wasn’t good enough for Rachael Ray hardly counts as service television. Besides, the only person who pulled off the “eating across America” formula was Alton Brown. Feasting on Asphalt may have been a travel show, but it least it had a theme and a host with a strong culinary vocabulary. By all means, give him a second run and spare us another jaunt with the Deen boys.
This brings me to my biggest gripe. I caught the commercials for you new show, Glutton for Punishment. Your website describes it as “a show for the impassioned foodie and the armchair adventurer – engaging stories, lots of practical information, and non-stop action.” Practical information, huh? The promo shows host Bob Blumer running while double-fisting red wine and inhaling habanero peppers. I’m not exactly an “impassioned” foodie, but even I know you can’t pass of frat boy stunts for gastronomic pursuits.
The funny thing is that you’ve always been the first to admit the significance of time in the kitchen. It’s where people spend time together, tell stories and, you know, make food. It’s where we fell in love, so why don’t you leave exploring Salt Lake City’s culinary highlights to your good friends at the Travel Channel and bake me a pie?
I hope you don’t take this the wrong way – I’m still a little bitter about all of this. I probably wouldn’t even feel this bad about our separation if we’d just grown apart, but I can’t accept any of the blame on this one. It’s not me, Food Network. It’s you.
Yours Sincerely,
Mikey