Hey, it’s 2009. My last three attempts to resurrect MLTV turned out to be pretty sad, but you might say that this time I’m resolved to make this recently renewed URL viable once again. If anything, it’s just time to push that pesky photo of Lauren Conrad off the front page.

So the fall season ended up being kind of a stinker, huh? All my sophomore faves stunk it up (promptly leading to their respective cancellations), none of the new series ended up being worth the effort and the real meat and potatoes—the kind of shows that make me swoon for this medium the way I do—were all postponed until January. But now it IS January, so several things demand discussion. Friday Night Lights, Lost, Big Love and Flight of the Conchords all return this month and one show that might be as strong than any of them premieres tonight.

I’ll be the first to admit that I didn’t instantly “feel” Damages. Maybe I said something about Glenn Close being distractingly masculine or I could have even compared that dude who won the Emmy to Foghorn Leghorn. Who really remembers? I quickly learned my lesson. And the fact remains that Damages is well-acted, uncomfortably suspenseful and gorgeously shot—if you cut out all the murder, it’d be one hell of a tourism ad for New York.

I haven’t seen the season premiere yet, so it’s a safe bet that I’ll be home tonight by 10. (DVR be damned!) If you find yourself in need of any convincing, simply watch the preview below…or this one… or this one.

There’s no easy or remotely excusable way to try to justify the neglect with which I’ve treated our relationship. I can only apologize and admit that the sheer abundance of your new programming is such that I must one again engage this medium in my rambling, amateurish analyses and giddy speculation. (I also need a venue for my writing that embraces my disgust for the serial comma.) And since no one episode or new series seems an appropriate catalyst to jump back in, I will start with a question. What the fuck am I supposed to do about Friday Night Lights?

Over the past months, I really haven’t given much thought to the vehicle for my beloved show’s third season. Confirmation of its persistence (however brief and unprofitable it will likely prove to be) is all I needed. But now, just a few hours off from its return, I have no easy way to watch it. No one has DirecTV—no one! I briefly considered signing up myself before coming to the conclusion that even my hatred of Time Warner Cable is no match for my fear of the unfamiliar. Waiting for NBC’s winter ‘09 broadcast is out of the question, so I now prepare to settle for my dreaded nemesis, TV on the Internet.

“Why the hesitation?” you might ask. Well, for starters, it’s not available in glorious HD, it’s slightly amoral, and the purist in me tends to look down on it like a bastard conceived in the backseat of a cheap, foreign car. Plus, it’s totally complicated! These episodes aren’t going to show up on Hulu, you know. I’m going to have to search for them individually and play them on some application I probably don’t already have. To make matters worse, my 14 gigs of free hard drive and OS X “Panther” can’t even begin to entertain these new fangled torrents. And that doesn’t even solve the timeliness dilemma—there’ll be no protecting my vulnerable eyes and busy feed reader from spoilers!

So, what’s a boy to do, TV? I want to celebrate the fruits of your digital loins, but I don’t know how. Mikey needs his FNL.

In the year 2013, Katherine is a part of the inner circle of housewives. Gabby is fat, has two fat children, and her skin does not seem to be faring well from the years and years of excessive makeup. Bree is some sort of Martha Stewart-esque celebrity with a fondness for dressing like a Victorian widow. Lynette’s children are still comically (and conveniently) delinquent. And Susan swapped Mike for another husband played by the unconvincingly heterosexual Gale Harold. Also, everybody’s hair looks really, really bad.

This is what we learned in last night’s season finale of Desperate Housewives when, as it had been speculated/expected/confirmed in the past few weeks, the last minutes of the episode took the story five years into the future. It really doesn’t seem like the best idea for the show, but it’s also too soon to tell. DH tends to cater to popular response, and if the general consensus is anything like my own, expect a bit of backpedaling come fall.

A whopping 80 minutes of show preceded this climax, and of the many revelations they brought, none topped being able to finally stick a fork in the “Why did Katherine leave Wisteria Lane 12 years ago?” mystery. Not because it was that much of a surprise, but because ABC actually showed a dead baby. As it turns out, he night before she bolted in the negative seventh season, a bookshelf fell on Katherine’s daughter (the original Dylan) at the same moment she knocked her ex-husband to the ground. Since she didn’t notice the noise, the little thing kicked the bucket long before her mother thought to check on her. Katherine’s crazy aunt told her to bury the toddler in the backyard, so that’s what she did. Then she went to Romania to find replacement child in an orphanage. (Duh!) Not the most coherent story, but it’s nice to clear all that business up.

So it looks like Dana Delaney isn’t going anywhere. And no matter where this foolish time jump takes the story, I doubt I am either. I still freaking love this show too much. I should be embarrassed.

For four days the upfronts happened, and they were blogged about, and it was good. More important still, someone can taste the identity of that fifth cylon on Battlestar Galactica. And I may agree.

• BuzzSugar got the awesome opportunity to chat with the adorable Bret Harrison (a.k.a. Sam the bounty hunter for the Devil) about the future of Reaper. (BuzzSugar)
• Thanks to CBS, Moonlight’s dead. But what will we do without our weekly Jason Dohring fix? Come share your ideas on where he should be cast next. (RTVW)
• Talk of long division and twin side beds? Either Scooter has been watching too much of The Big Bang Theory or Death Cab for Cutie has a new album out. Well, most likely both. (Scooter McGavin’s 9th Green)
• This week, the TV Addict spent some time in New York professionally reporting on the TV Network UpFronts. Oh who are we kidding… we met 90210’s Kelly Taylor! OMFG! (the TV Addict)
• If only Kevin and Scotty waited one more week, they could have had a real marriage instead of just a big ol’ gay commitment ceremony out there in California! Either way, it was extremely sweet and wrapped up an uneven season of Brothers & Sisters on a high note, well, at least until the whole not-incest thing between Rebecca and Justin. (Tapeworthy)
• While Jace attended the upfronts this week and broke down the networks’ scheduling decisions, he was more captivating with pondering just who the Final Cylon is on Battlestar Galactica and offered up his theory on who the last sleeper agent might be. (Televisionary)
• Dan didn’t (still hasn’t, actually) get a chance to see this week’s Top Chef, but you can get a chance to create your own episode through this Top Chef Mad Lib. (TiFaux)
• Raoul chatted with Survivor winner Parvati. (TV Filter)

My silence may be eerie, but I’m sneakily still very much liking TV. In fact, I just got in from the Fox upfront party. It’s been an exhausting and kind of uneventful week, but what better excuse to touch base than the TV equivalent of prom?

So this year marked my first in-person upfront experience, and I have to say, they’re kind of gross. A bunch of sloppy ad folks boozing to the point of public embarrassment and blatant starfucking does not a good time make. It was an education though. My deep love of So You Think You Can Dance (returning in one week!) was slightly challenged by the throng of contestants from seasons two and three that could literally not stop dancing at any point during the night. Brazilian BBQ buffet? Dance! Line at the porta-potty? Dance! Creepy ‘80s cover band? Um… dance!

They have their charms though. And about a month from now I’ll be so thoroughly into their successors, this transgression will be long forgotten. What won’t be forgotten is the fact those two beautiful creatures pictured above and Eliza Dushku all bolted before I got there. Perhaps it’s best that they stay on their respective pedestals, but I sure would have love to see TV actors not on Gossip Girl every once in a while.

Enough of that. Let’s get down to business. This time last year I was an unhappy camper. Veronica Mars was done, I was mostly unimpressed with the pick-ups, and Eliza Dushku’s pilot was passed over by FOX. Things could not be more different in 2008. Friday Night Lights and How I Met Your Mother, the two bubble shows that I desperately needed to see renewed, will both be back with a vengeance. I’m genuinely excited by some of the new offerings. And this year’s Dushku pilot, a little show called Dollhouse by some writer/auteur/genius named Joss Whedon, is a sure bet for midseason. If you can catch the trailer (they keep pulling them), you will see how very drool inducing it is. Full fall schedules for all the networks, if you haven’t already seen them, can be found right here: ABC, CBS, FOX, the CW. (NBC’s is oooooold news.)

There weren’t any surprises this week. News of renewals and pickups, save a few exceptions, all came weeks ago. The only real shock was that after all the hullabaloo over the upfronts being “soooo different” this year, they were more or less the same. No complaints on my part, as I can think of far worse things than tradition. Attention-starved dance competition veterans for one.

“These are the hands of Michelangelo…”

It still doesn’t make sense, but it sure as hell never stops being funny. I love how much the cast of Work Out loves themselves. Jackie’s narcissism, Rebecca’s narcissism, Jesse’s narcissism and Brian Peeler’s über narcissism are kind of confusing in how they’ve survived two seasons of seeing how atrocious they can appear on camera, but you’ve got to admire them for soldiering on. Especially those trainers, who, for all of their complaining, really have no problem orbiting around Jackie Warner like the radiant lesbian sun she is.

They do love her. They also love to hate her. As long as they’re talking about her, their emotions are pretty much an afterthought. Rarely do you see a crowd of people so deeply consumed by one person. Obviously, this has a lot to do with the fact that their minor fame hinges on their relationship with the owner of their gym and the star of this show. But Jackie’s thrall reaches more than just her employees though. A startling number of articles came out about the many folks who cannot get enough of her just before the premiere of the third season.

… A season that has one big problem. New people! New people with no reverence for Jackie or a desire to talk about her! I cannot abide these folks and I request their removal immediately. Other than Jackie’s sweet new assistant, all three additions to the Sky Sport staff seem unnecessary and lack any semblance of a personality – catty or otherwise.

They are fun to look at though. And, after all, the real success of Work Out is that it’s one of the only shows on television that does not facilitate laziness. It’s impossible to watch these hot bodies and not be at least a little motivated. And if they can spare just a handful of viewers the pain of being unfit and the absurd cost of a Sky Sport membership, isn’t it all worth it?

Of the countless reality series chronicling life in high school to pop up in the past couple of years, none looked like it would more closely resemble my own secondary education than The Paper. Not because I was on the school newspaper (I totally was), but because no other show has chosen to focus on the neurotic, obsessive and socially inept. Those Laguna Beach kids may have lacked substance, but at least they were well put together. And in high school, that’s all that matters.

The Paper goes beyond exploitative entertainment and actually charms in its honest portrait of how insufferable it is to be this age, regardless of status. The cruelty, the confrontations and the backstabbing that you’re used to seeing from the more popular set are just as prevalent in this crowd as they are in any, and the tone is a strange amalgam of Spellbound (2002 spelling bee doc and aspergers exposé) and either of the High School Musicals. The latter is accomplished with the help of Amanda, the (spoiler!) editor in chief.

Amanda’s need to constantly talk or sing and her unholy drive make her the most annoying character on the series, but her staff’s treatment of her also makes her the most endearing. She probably deserves a comparison to Election’s Tracey Flick, just without the tendency for sexual manipulation. The rest of the cast is even more easily labeled. There’s the silent second in command (who’s probably the most likely to go on as a journalist); the snotty girl who’s probably a few social rungs above the rest of them but a few too short to be a cheerleader; her oafish boyfriend whose motivation for joining the paper is purely carnal; and a budding homosexual with a penchant for dramatics. I guess there are a few others, but I lied about easily labeling them. They’re wallpaper.

The first episode comes together so well, it seems odd that no one thought to capitalize on this idea before. Everyone who’s ever been on a newspaper or yearbook staff, or been in close proximity to their classrooms, knows that these extracurriculars breed a kind of crazy unlike anything else you find in high school (with the notable exception of drama kids, but that’s been overdone and isn’t remotely as relatable for adults). Thankfully, The Paper looks to be an accurate representation of this, as well as a reliable source of meltdowns, feuding and ADD - all the while sparing us the gratuitous references to Los Angeles clubs, restaurants and stylists we’ve never heard of that plague certain other series. It may actually bring back a touch of authenticity to MTV’s prefab prime time lineup.

Within the first five minutes of Vh1’s ¡Viva Hollywood! I realized that I know nothing about Hispanic American popular culture. Almost just as soon it became clear that my life is seriously suffering for that fact. The show is the newest in a crop of reality competitions debuting on the cable network this month, and it follows 12 aspiring latino actors vying for their big break in telenovelas. I avoid “celebreality” like the plague, but there’s something strangely authentic about a bunch of catty amateurs duking it out for an opportunity to join an industry not known for its great talents. Also, the floating head of some famous transvestite psychic pops up occasionally to explain the shows many challenges.

For one hot minute of my adolescence, I was in love with telenovelas. I found the idea of sensationalized smut in a foreign language to be a worldly and wildly entertaining cultural outlet. But you can only watch so many seemingly arbitrary face slaps before just getting frustrated with your own ignorance. Had I been exposed to Dora The Explorer as a child, maybe my obsession would have stuck, but I am a product of the 80s. It’s a wonder I can ever speak English.

Now, however many years later, that obsession could very well be revived. Every element of ¡Viva Hollywood!, from the challenges, to the scantily clad cougar judge, to the ridiculous things people accidentally say when they’re speaking a second language is so fall on the floor funny, I can barely stand it. Even the eliminations are groundbreaking in their ludicrousness (you know, by reality standards). The contestants have to go into a confessional booth and basically curse the one they want to face elimination - but not without begging god’s forgiveness before they go. Then, after the bottom two perform some impromptu, tear-sodden soliloquy, the judges play a video of them acting in a fight scene. Whoever dies in the scene must go. “Esta muerto!”

I won’t pretend that there are any redeeming qualities to this show, or that any of you would be bettered by watching it, but it isn’t often that I am legitimately surprised by how entertaining something is. ¡Viva Hollywood! delivers. This extremely long trailer doesn’t even begin to do it justice, but you get the idea.

If I’m not mistaken, your face is looking a lot like this right about now. “No posts in weeks, and he’s returning with five solid days of reality coverage and reviews?” I know, I know, it seems like a dumb idea considering all of our scripted friends are finally up and running, post-strike. But this is a HUGE week for reality TV. Guilty pleasures are returning, old favorites are calling it a day and there’s finally a show exploiting the hilarious horrors of high school newspapers. Sit back, relax and prepare to register as little brain activity as possible without actually requiring life support. It’s MLTV’s first Reality Week!

So many favorites are back! 30 Rock, The Office, Bones and, before you know it, we’ll even be getting an extra-speedy US run of Doctor Who. Read about them and others…

• Buzz reminisced about the greatest game shows of the late ’80s and early ’90s — anyone remember I’m Telling? (Buzz Sugar)
• This week Sandie teases us about her visit of the set of Moonlight with a picture of Alex O’Loughlin and of Jason Dohring, as well as a clip from Alex O’Loughlin’s interview. There will be more to come soon! (Daemon’s TV)
• Getting excited about the return of Doctor Who? Anna celebrates by remembering what made the third season so great. (Pop Vultures)
• Bored now? Kill a few minutes of your day fantasizing about your own TV network. (RTVW)
• Carrie Underwood singing George Michael? Sure, why not, it’s for charity. (Scooter McGavin’s 9th Green)
• Vance outlines some better alternatives to popular (but bland) shows. Watch Everybody Hates Chris instead of According to Jim. Watch Bones instead of NCIS/CSI:Pick you city/Numb3rs. It’s for your own good. (Tapeworthy)
• While Jace was thrilled for the return of 30 Rock and The Office this week, he caught up on reading pilot scripts, including ABC’s Good Behavior, from Veronica Mars creator Rob Thomas. (Televisionary)
• What in the world? Dan writes a letter to God wondering why Project Runway is making the switch from gay wonderland Bravo to housewife haven Lifetime. (TiFaux)
• Ashley evaluated TV’s best villains and you may be surprised who made the list. (Tube Talk.)
• The TV Addict uncovers ABC’s top-secret programming strategy for MEN IN TREES [The TV Addict]
• Raoul talks to Sharon, a.k.a. Barbie, from “Hell’s Kitchen” (TV Filter)