Viva Laughlin is just so damn good, CBS is giving you two chances to watch the first episode! That is a lie. Viva Laughlin is so aggressively horrible, CBS has no effing clue what to do with it. But seeing as how megastar (and odd musical enthusiast) Hugh Jackman has poured so much of his time and money into it, they can’t let it go gentle into that inevitable good night.

Let’s get one thing clear – despite how they’re billing it, Viva Laughlin is not technically a musical. It’s a campy crime drama whose main characters occasionally burst into awkward karaoke and poorly choreographed dance. Where modern film musicals like Chicago smartly use songs to peek inside players’ imaginations to further the story, Laughlin showcases a couple of nouveau riche retards who simply must sing along whenever they hear a tune with references to gambling or sex. You can barely hear their own voices over the original vocals… one of the few things we can thank them for.

Based on Britain’s Blackpool/Viva Blackpool, the show combines middle class aspirations, organized crime and an ongoing murder mystery. Now I’ve never seen Blackpool, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say it was a lot better than this. Bad acting and cheesy dialogue are tough enough on their own, but if your characters aren’t even remotely likable, you’ve got bupkis. It’s all so confusing as to how this show came to be, dissecting the ways I don’t like it is almost too much of a chore.

Had Viva Laughlin premiered sometime four or more years ago, it would have been panned, canceled outright and never discussed any further. But this is 2007, and there is a place for this show online. Bits of it, when not deeply mired in the solid hour of crap, are at least comically terrible. Cross your fingers that some snotty celeblogger uploads the clip of Melanie Griffith half-miming-half-moaning the lyrics to “One Way or Another” first thing tomorrow.  This is the same woman from Milk Money, right?

Viva Laughlin airs Sundays at 8pm on CBS, but you can catch the premiere tonight at 10pm

Well, it’s back! And, having already seen the first episode, I can vouch for sustained whimsy and general awesomeness. Though it occasionally falters from the trappings of conventional sitcom-dom (in tonight’s episode, there’s a musical refrain with Enrique Iglesias), it always comes through in the end. And for every Enrique, there’s a Mandy Moore! After over a month of leaked publicity shots, you’ll finally get your chance to see her charm the pants off of Ted and Barney.

This season has a lot in store for us: Robin Sparkles redux, slap bet 2.0 and a considerable amount of development in the long-stagnant search for your mom. Are you sick of being an orphan yet? I’m not – she can take her sweet time. Check out my full review of the season premiere, and, if you haven’t already gotten on board, watch How I Met Your Mother tonight!

How I Met Your Mother airs tonight/Mondays at 8pm on CBS

As it turns out, there is nothing remotely deviant or outrageous about Kid Nation. After months and months of speculation over child labor issues, the producers’ moral ambiguity and bla bla bla… it ends up being every kid’s wildest dream: camp without adults and the opportunity to win 20 grand every four days. But that didn’t stop them from crying… a lot.

The 40 (now 39!) children of Bonanza may still need therapy when they’re adults, but not because they were traumatized during the filming of this show. They’re just going to be permanently embarrassed that America saw them frothing at the mouth for 40 days without Ritalin. There were so many hilarious non sequiturs in the first hour alone, you wouldn’t be surprised if Bill Cosby was prompting them from behind the cameras.

Kid Nation does have more structure than I would have imagined. The arbitrarily chosen town council chose teams early in the first episode (blue, green, red, yellow), and after a fairly grueling contest, the pecking order was chosen. The red team gets paid a dollar a day to absolutely nothing (aristocracy!), the blue team gets paid 50 cents a day to run the stores and the town saloon (merchants!), the yellow team is paid 25 cents a day to feed the town (cooks!) and the green team is paid ten cents a day to cleaning up after everyone (losers!).

It’s no surprise that the first casualty comes from the greens. Eight-year-old Jimmy spent much of the first episode sobbing, and despite the heartwarming encouragement he received from the other children, he hit the road at the first opportunity. Jimmy didn’t go home because he was homesick though; he went home because he was on the crappy team and didn’t want to spend his summer vacation emptying porta-potties. I don’t blame him.

One star has already emerged: 11-year old Jared from Georgia (pictured above). When he’s not chasing farm animals and providing the show’s best social commentary, he’s making statements about how he hopes he doesn’t have to “poo” for the entirety of his stay. Jared’s bio and questionnaire on the show’s official website offers even more insight into his strangely brilliant mind. What is the one thing he would change about America if he could? “The media is often one sided with most issues in this country and it would be nice to have the whole story.” Jared is the type of kid I ignored when I was his age and find myself wildly entertained by now.

If you weren’t hooked by the awkward behavior and constant possibility for disaster, scenes from the next episode had to have been enough to reel you in. “We’re thinking about killing a chicken,” announces council member Mike, in a rare moment without tears. Well, Mike, we’re thinking about watching that.

Midway through the soft-open week of the new season, tonight we get the premiere of two of the fall’s most hyped shows: The CW’s Josh Schwartz-helmed teen-soap Gossip Girl and FOX’s juggernaut of middle-aged star power, Back to You. Reviews of both pilots can still be read here and here.

My thoughts on Gossip Girl (9PM, CW) haven’t really changed since I watched it earlier in the summer – mostly because I haven’t thought about it again. If you’re at all inclined to watch a show like this, you’re not going to be disappointed by what you get. You’re also not going to be surprised, which is a shame.

As for Back to You (8PM, FOX), watching the first episode is much like finding yourself on a blind date with someone who is both unattractive and obnoxious. You stare at them blankly, waiting to be let in on the joke, but the punchline never comes. You were duped into wasting precious moments of your interesting life on a terrible mistake, and when it’s over, you’re angry and confused. Though I couldn’t care less about the two TV dynasties that stars Grammar and Heaton come from, I still can’t believe no effort went into making this show remotely dynamic. It’s total bunk.

If you’re going to take a chance on a new series tonight, you should probably avoid the aforementioned completely. Instead, check out the premiere of CBS’s scandal-soaked Kid Nation (8PM) – a show that puts 40 children in a ghost town and forces them to fend for themselves for a month and a half! I’ve only seen the ten minute promo that ran during the upfronts – so I can’t say that it’s actually any good – but it certainly could be the greatest thing to ever happen to reality television. CBS certainly thinks so. They’re already casting the second season. Find out if it’s worth it tonight, and come back tomorrow for my reaction.

For every awesome comedy we get, there are almost too many stinkers to bear.  This autumn’s sitcom offerings may be sparse, but they are particularly craptastic to compensate.  If you’ll pardon my venom and lack of brevity, here’s a quick look at the worst of the worst…

Back to You (Fox; 9/19; 8:00PM). Where to start?  Well, right here we have a combination of two of my least favorite things in the world: people who don’t know when to call it a day and Patricia Heaton.  Though Kelsey Grammar’s insistence on playing the same character for thirty years in a row may be frustrating, it pales in comparison to the unfortunate perseverance of the one who loved Raymond most.  Throwing them together in one of the more formula driven pilots of the new season might possibly be the work of the devil himself.  Their chemistry is as forced as Grammar’s paternal curveball is annoying, and seeing them both portray characters aging ungracefully would be kind of funny if it weren’t so pathetic.  The only people likely to find any humor in this one won’t even be able to watch because they’re too old to justify watching Fox.  Next!

Big Bang Theory (CBS; 9/24; 8:30PM).  I did mention that Back to You wasn’t the most formula driven newbie, right?  Oh, good, because that honor is reserved for Big Bang Theory.  It’s as if the folks behind the hackneyed, early-90s, TGIF-style sitcoms made a show about vestigial nerd stereotypes, included more sexual references than were appropriate at the time and saved it in a time capsule for a day when the humor might float.  That day will never come.  The story of two physics grad students who are taken under the wing of a hot, blonde neighbor, there are no surprises here – other than the audacity to include a laugh track in a show lacking any funny.  Stars Johnny Galecki (Rosanne) and Jim Parsons do have an engaging buddy-comedy repartee, but the ghosts of Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau couldn’t save this writing.  Stick through the first 15 minutes of the pilot and you’ll honestly be expecting them to break into “The Urkel“.

Cavemen (ABC; 10/2; 8:00PM).  Cavemen may be the only one of these shows that I haven’t actually seen yet, but I’m going to go out on a short, sturdy limb and assume it’s as bad as we’re all imagining.  The idea did intrigue me at first.  Those charming Geico Neanderthals on telly, you say? Brilliant!  Comedic allegory for American intolerance?  Just what the doctor ordered!  Maybe if someone like David Wain or Will Ferrell was behind it, but not this time.  All of the clips are pretty cringe-worthy and few who’ve reported on the first episode have had much positive feedback.  Sink slowly or sink fast, as long as it doesn’t stick around long enough to soil my fond memories of moving walkway frustration set to Röyksopp, I promise not to hold this buffoonery against anyone.

The Return of Jezebel James (FOX, Spring).  Though not exactly a fall pilot, this one is enough of a knife in the heart to bring up a few months early.  Amy Sherman-Palladino’s first post-Gilmore venture sounds like a great idea on paper: Lauren Ambrose, whip-smart writing and a glorious excuse to finally bring Parker Posey into American homes on a weekly basis.  The Return of Jezebel James tells the story of single, infertile book editor (Posey) who seeks the help of her estranged sister (Ambrose) to carry a child for her.  If that dreary premise isn’t enough to darken your mood, it’s also not funny, and the execution is unforgivably lame.  All is not lost though!  That lame pilot will probably never make it to the air, and all of that negative feedback gives Sherman-Palladino more than enough time to get her act together before Jezebel’s midseason premiere.

My advice, friends: Don’t count on any laughs from the new season’s comedic hopefuls.  Enjoy your last night with Flight of the Conchords and Entourage on Sunday, get ready for NBC’s pitch-perfect Thursday night to return in October and, if you haven’t already, jump on board with How I Met Your Mother and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia next month.  After all, one commonality of sitcoms, good or bad, is that it’s never too late to start watching.

I was quick to declare my love for the awkward humor in Pirate Master, but I don’t have the stamina to keep up with these poor, confused souls for one more episode. One hour of watching people pretend to be pirates is hilarious, two starts flirting with boring, three is uncomfortable and four will make you physically ill. If CBS was capable of being tongue and cheek, this could have worked. But it’s so overly dramatic, I feel like the pirates themselves are doing the editing.

Last week saw Azmyth (no, really) claim the title of captain. He quickly acquired a nondescript, pirate-esque accent and royally fucked everything up. His dreads may have been reminiscent of an albino Jack Sparrow, but his whimsy and leadership was not. Portly, schizophrenic Louie was elected the new captain, and he can now set his grand, pirate plan into motion. His first order of business, setting Joe Don adrift, did not go as planned, and poor Cheryl, the masculine District Attorney, was booted from getting any further booty.

I’d offer a more substantial recap, but I’m officially cutting myself off. The freak-fest that is Pirate Master has become so nauseatingly bizarre that I can’t begin to reconcile devoting another moment to it – especially when other reality fare is kicking it into gear. There is a fine line between personalities that are unusally fun to watch and those that are too strange for television. And while it pains me to admit it, the greatest extremes are better left to MTV and Bravo. Pirate Master needs to be handled with sarcasm, and it’s clear now that we won’t be getting that.

False scenarios for competition shows are frustrating. But false scenarios revolving around fake pirate legends and plastic skeletons are genius. Watching adults take a serious tone when referencing things like “the chest of Zanzibar” and “the crocodile’s lair” gives my heart almost more joy than it can bear. Pirate Master isn’t just another incarnation of Survivor, it’s a drawn out version for Legends of the Hidden Temple for adults- only this time, the competitors’ awkwardness is not as forgivable.

Just as in Survivor, a show I have to say I’ve never actually watched, the group is first broken into two teams: the black crew and the red crew. But after the black crew emerged from the first challenge victorious, a strange hierarchy emerged. The elected a Captain of the ship, and he, in turn, chose two officers. They get the majority of the booty, and the rest of the two teams are lumped together as “squabs.” Accusations of pirate classicism and douche baggery ensue.

Other than the newly self-important officers, there are only a few folks who emerged in the first episode as fervently crazy. For one, there’s Louie – a gigantic bearded hillbilly who, seldom fully dressed, truly believes he’s a pirate. But greatest of all is John, a “scientist/exotic dancer”, who offends people with his close talking and dresses like a ninja. John’s early dismissal was a big blow to the whimsy factor of Pirate Master, but I’m sure they’ll soon recover.

Aside from the suspect lack of plank-walking (rejected contestants are “cut adrift”), Pirate Master is all that you could really ask for from a mindless summer series. The only thing better might be the inevitable follow-up that chronicles the contestants’ journey through mental rehabilitation – something they will surely need when they realize they aren’t actually pirates.

Looking at the list of scheduled recordings on my DVR, I can’t help but think of how the pilgrims must have felt setting out on their long, treacherous journey across the Atlantic, with so little to nourish and entertain them. The summer may be dotted with potential for greatness, and there’s more than enough new reality fare to keep us busy, but the fact of the matter is that abundant and awesome television is officially gone for the next three to four months. A greater man might take this opportunity to go outside or even crack a book, but I am left to search for pleasures elsewhere – undiscovered shows on DVD and increasingly common web exclusive series.

The newest online series to catch my attention is Michael “George Michael” Cera’s CBS-sponsored endeavor with friend and fellow actor/writer/teen, Clark Duke. I’m not sure what CBS’s exact motivations are with this show, as the website and first episode are almost completely lacking ads, but the tone and humor is an impressive departure from 99.9% percent of the eye network’s programming.

Clark and Michael chronicles the mishaps of two young screenwriters, mocumentary style, as they try to sell their first series. Imploring much of the style of Arrested Development, but on one millionth of the budget, Clark and Michael dopily meander around Los Angeles trying to find a network to buy their script. Along the way they speak to each other like old men, occasionally break into juvenile hysterics and make excellent use of font.

The only significant shortcoming of watching Clark and Michael is the gut wrenching frustration that accompanies seeing any two people well-below the drinking age write, direct, produce and star in something more creative than you’re likely to be a part of anytime soon.

Well, much of the excitement of upfronts has dissipated. CBS, FOX and The CW all leaked enough info yesterday to ensure a predictable conclusion to the week’s festivities, but that’s no reason to ignore them. Yesterday’s news of How I Met Your Mother’s renewal proved true and we’ll be blessed with at least 22 more episodes of the Swarley. The New Adventures of Old Christine will also return, but as a mid-season replacement.

In the drama department, Jennifer Love Hewitt will continue her highly-rated reign of terror on a third season of Ghost Whisperer. Hugh Jackman’s musical/mystery, Viva Laughlin, doesn’t look like it will do much for his waning masculinity, but it’s the only pilot that seems remotely intriguing.

CBS’s full schedule for 2007/2008 is as follows…

Monday
8-8:30pm: How I Met Your Mother
8:30 9pm: Big Bang Theory
9-9:30pm: Two and a Half Men
9:30-10pm: Rules of Engagement
10-11pm: CSI: Miami

Tuesday
8-9pm: NCIS
9-10pm: The Unit
10-11pm: Cane

Wednesday
8-9pm: Kid Nation
9-10pm: Criminal Minds
10-11pm: CSI: NY

Thursday
8-9pm: Survivor
9-10pm: CSI
10-11pm: Without a Trace

Friday
8-9pm: Ghost Whisperer
9-10pm: Moonlight
10-11pm: Numb3rs

Saturday
8-10pm: Crimetime Saturday
10-11pm: 48 Hours Mystery

Sunday
7-8pm: 60 Minutes
8-9pm: Viva Laughlin
9-10pm: Cold Case
10-11pm: Shark

Ample references were made to the pilot episode (including obscure cameos), all five leads seemed happy and hopeful… even the final line was the show’s once signature catch phrase that seemed to have fallen by the wayside. I know it’s the pessimist in me, but almost everything about last night’s episode seemed final.

It’d be unfair for me to say that my love of HIMYM came from a place of genuine appreciation. I watched much of the first season solely in support of a most cherished Buffy alum. But I became endeared to the show, and by the end of the first season loved it for who it was. Then the second season defied all expectations when the cast, writers and directors all seemed to become comfortable with the unique pace and absurdist tone of what they’d created. At times it seems more like a live-action Family Guy than a conventional sitcom, but it works so well. And while millions of Americans fail to turn the dial to the eye network until Charlie Sheen and What’shisface come on to engage in clichéd banter with that creepy child, they are missing out. Mother is the best thing CBS has going, and if early reports speculating that they aren’t picking up any comedy pilots are true – they’re well aware.

Check this out for some particularly stellar Mother moments and cross your fingers for many seasons more.

UPDATE: No need for fingers, word came late this afternoon that How I Met Your Mother is indeed returning next season. Glory be!

With just a few days separating us from the networks’ upfronts, next season’s schedules will soon be decided. So now is as good of a time as any to check in on our most beloved shows, whose fates are still so desperately up in the air…

-After finishing its stellar freshman season with an ever-increasing viewership and a champion in NBC pres Kevin Reilly, Friday Night Lights does seem favored to return. And if its status as TV critics’ biggest wet dream isn’t enough to make you think it’s getting renewed, all the reports of ordered scripts and internal pats on the back seem to guarantee another season of Panther football.

-Saying that How I Met Your Mother hit its stride in the second season might be the understatement of the century. More dependably funny than anything on NBC Thursdays, the lack of any word on a renewal is a disappointment, to say the least. Other fans and bloggers don’t seem to be concerned, but CBS is not a network that is known for making shows sweat it out this long. And though the identity of the Mother still remains a secret, enough subplots are being tied with a bow to make me wonder if the season finale could be excused for a series finale.

-It seems silly to talk about Veronica Mars, because reading and writing endless speculation makes me more anxious by the day, but there’s so much promising news this week that the tiniest iota of hope has formed in my cold, shriveled heart. And though Veronica in any form is better than no Veronica at all, I’m increasingly leery of the FBI scenario. The last two episodes have been so flawless, I honestly think keeping Veronica in college is the way to go.

-Though it might seem these are the only three shows I care about, the last two weeks have shown that what we all thought was guarantee, is now an unlikelihood. Negotiations for another season of Scrubs have stalled for some time now, and it seems NBC isn’t keen on forking up the cash for Zach Braff’s requested salary. The show’s seemingly climactic storyline of JD once again swooning for Elliot and the network’s vague marketing of the “final” episodes all insist that the end is nigh.

Time will tell, and there ain’t much of it, so check back next week for coverage and links on all things 07-08 season. Also keep an eye out for continued coverage of American Idol and evaluations of the How I Met Your Mother season (gasp, series?) finale and the likely disappointing sendoff to our beloved Gilmore Girls.

Last night saw the hiring of Stefani Schaeffer, the first woman to win the show since the third season, but I wonder how much success she’ll actually find working at Trump. Now one of six, the title of “Apprentice” surely can’t hold much weight at all – even with Donald. I had assumed that ever-declining ratings, its star’s poor public image and this season’s desperate attempt to reinvigorate the premise all signaled the death of the series, but apparently there’ll be a seventh installment next year. For longevity alone, that makes The Apprentice creator Mark Burnett’s most successful endeavor, aside from Survivor.

Once possessing the golden touch, Mark’s had some serious missteps in recent years. Rock Star and The Contender both fell flat with audiences but have lingered, with mediocre ratings, in different incarnations. What was once a sure bet for networks, is now a gamble. If Mark is ever going to find that success again, I’m almost certain it’s going to be with Pirate Master.

Next month CBS will debut Mark’s latest creation, a show chronicling “16 modern-day pirates as they embark on a high seas adventure around the Caribbean island of Dominica in search of hidden treasure that will total $1 million.” Survivor has never held my interest, but when you take that basic premise but refer to the contestants “pirates” and have them live on a giant ship – I’m not only going to watch, I’m going to audition for the second season.

Mourning Ugly Betty won’t last long; Pirate Master premieres Thursday May 31^st at 8pm.