This is what we learned in last night’s season finale of Desperate Housewives when, as it had been speculated/expected/confirmed in the past few weeks, the last minutes of the episode took the story five years into the future. It really doesn’t seem like the best idea for the show, but it’s also too soon to tell. DH tends to cater to popular response, and if the general consensus is anything like my own, expect a bit of backpedaling come fall.

A whopping 80 minutes of show preceded this climax, and of the many revelations they brought, none topped being able to finally stick a fork in the “Why did Katherine leave Wisteria Lane 12 years ago?” mystery. Not because it was that much of a surprise, but because ABC actually showed a dead baby. As it turns out, he night before she bolted in the negative seventh season, a bookshelf fell on Katherine’s daughter (the original Dylan) at the same moment she knocked her ex-husband to the ground. Since she didn’t notice the noise, the little thing kicked the bucket long before her mother thought to check on her. Katherine’s crazy aunt told her to bury the toddler in the backyard, so that’s what she did. Then she went to Romania to find replacement child in an orphanage. (Duh!) Not the most coherent story, but it’s nice to clear all that business up.

So it looks like Dana Delaney isn’t going anywhere. And no matter where this foolish time jump takes the story, I doubt I am either. I still freaking love this show too much. I should be embarrassed.

Since they didn’t actually show her, and the new season won’t bow until this summer, the actress chosen to play Mrs. Spencer is still up in the air. I’m sure they have a few ladies in mind, but before anyone signs any dotted lines, here are a few women Psych might want to consider for the role…

Brenda Strong – Narrating Desperate Housewives can’t be that time consuming – those scripts practically read themselves! Besides, I’m sick of the ridiculously awesome Strong being stuck as the invisible, omniscient housewife. It’s about time she stepped back in front of the camera and Psych is a perfect venue. And since Shawn’s mom definitely has a dose of nasty for being a big, fat baby-abandoner, Strong could play the character like she did Elaine’s evil, bra-less nemesis on Seinfeld.

Kristine Sutherland - If I was a TV orphan, I know who I’d want to adopt me, and it’s not Angelina. Before she met her heartbreaking end on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Sutherland played the slayer’s mother, Joyce, to the point of parental perfection. It wasn’t that she was sweet (she was a straight up badass when circumstances demanded it) – Joyce was just real. In the parallel universe where she starts acting again and nabs this role, I’d love to see her play it as a middle-aged tart – a la “Band Candy.”

Kate Jackson – Nothing beats a vintage hottie, and my favorite of Charlie’s Angels was always the understated and brainy Sabrina. Shawn’s dad may have taught him how to be crazy observant, but where did he learn the rest of his detectivin’ skills? I can just picture a flashback of Jackson teaching little Shawn how to jimmy car doors. Either way, this gal doesn’t make enough appearances! If she doesn’t join the Psych crew, can’t we at least find her a spot on Dancing With The Stars?

Phylicia Rashad – Who’s to say that woman at the door really is Shawn’s mother? She could be there to tell him that his real mother is actually… Mrs Burton! No, Shawn isn’t black, and sure, something like this would have probably come up, but come on! Rashad is the undisputed queen of TV moms, and her recent appearance as Gus’s on the Psych Christmas special was far too brief. Bringing her back would be really fun for the Shawn/Gus dynamic.

… or not.

The episode in question, “Welcome to Kanagawa,” may be an art reference or an inappropriate comparison of the minor trials of a cute, almost exclusively white, fictional suburb to war-torn Japan, but it does indeed mark the end of this commendably awesome season of Desperate Housewives. I could easily pick up my whining where I left it back in December, but I’ll take this for the gift it is: one more episode than I expected and a hopefully less cliffhangery finale. If you can’t wait to find out at least a few of those on Wysteria Lane who lived to see another desperate day, here’s a sneak preview…

When Pushing Daisies ends next Wednesday, my lips well settle into a frown for at least a day or two. When Friday Night Lights goes dark early next year, I may even shed a few tears. But neither of those shows will dump me with a cliffhanger the size of last Sunday’s Desperate Housewives. The highly advertised tornado finally rolled into Fairview, and with it, an undisclosed number of deaths, two unlikely unions and the complete destruction of Wisteria Lane. Hyped as “the – best – episode – of – the – SEASON!”, it fell short of last year’s supermarket hostage triumph, Bang, but it was probably the best episode they’ve put out since.

It began with Mary Alice’s oft cliché narration, but they were rolling out the big guns, so she’s eerie with the foreboding: the tornado will take the lives of one husband and at least one Wisteria Lane fixture. The imminent spousal death she speaks of ends up being Victor Lang – Gabby’s creepy husband who garnered an absurd excess of influence and media attention for a suburban mayor. I’m pretty sure the mayor of my hometown works at a hardware store during the day.

On the non-tornado front, we probably said goodbye to new neighbor Adam (Nathan Fillion, tear…) when Bree accidentally exposed his philandering. Her immediate show of support and affection for his stoic wife (her bitchy arch-nemesis, Katherine) causes them to smile at each other and hold hands for the duration of the storm. They’re totally besties now! Trauma may also have inspired Gabby and Edie to become girlfriends, but those hints were far less heavy-handed.

The cliffhanger, if you don’t already know, is the source of Felicity Huffman’s scream that ran over and over in the torrent of commercials. It should have reached a Nancy Kerrigan level of hilarity by the time the show finally aired, but its hard to laugh at a woman whose five children and charming husband are laying under a burning pile of rubble that used to be her neighbor’s house. It’s not the kind of scene you like to be left with on the eve of an indefinite hiatus, even though the outcome won’t likely be as devastating as it looks. A show that submits Emmy entries to the comedy categories is not going to kill babies.

So there you have it: I love Desperate Housewives. You can slap a trucker hat on my head, hand me a copy of Vice and mock me for how culturally out of touch I am. If you were watching, you’d know better.

Keeping with the grand tradition they’ve built, ABC’s season finales were over-hyped and completely underwhelming. Some weren’t half bad (Desperate Housewives), while others were completely despicable (Ugly Betty). Regardless of the quality of send-offs, I’m just relieved to take a break from the network for a few months. It’s not that I don’t like them, but more than any other shows, I watch ABC’s Sunday and Thursday night line-ups out of obligation. Like a loving parent who’s a little too excited to send his children off to summer camp, I know I’ll be happy when they return this fall. But for now, I’m just looking forward to a little time to myself.

I don’t like saying “jump the shark.” In addition to the annoying genesis of the phrase and the ridiculous frequency at which it is thrown around, it has always seemed like a grossly uneducated judgment – especially when used in the immediate aftermath of a bad episode. Someone once said that you can’t really judge the success of a presidency until at least 20 years after the end of their term. And while that might not be the exact case with television, you really do need to see how things continue to play out before looking back in hindsight. That said, Ugly Betty might really have jumped the infant shark with the addition of Rebecca Romijn as Daniel’s post-op trannie brother/sister. Her character is far from the show’s biggest weakness, but her mid-season introduction was followed by a steady decline in quality. Last week’s finale was dismal, and if it weren’t for that charming Ferrera girl, I probably wouldn’t be coming back for more next year.

Somewhere in the middle of the crapometer were Grey’s Anatomy and Brothers & Sisters. Grey’s escapes the bottom of the barrel if only for the fact that they’ve already set the precedent for truly horrible television. Calling any one episode of the show “awful” would be a statement too bold for most scenarios and, indeed, this one. After putting her core cast through the much expected, self-inquisitory ringer, Shondra Rhimes leaves us in an enticingly grey (hey-o!) area over the return of accused homophobe, and all around douche bag, Isaiah Washington. On Brothers & Sisters, Sally Field and Calista Flockhart once again proved how invested they are in their craft by crying on camera without makeup. Justin went off to Iraq, Ron Rifkin might be gay with Summer’s dad from The OC and Tommy’s wife looks to be suffering from a rough case of postpartum depression. But none of that was too heavy to keep the Walkers’ from ending the season by jumping into the pool together – taking back the sad site of their patriarch’s demise on the series premiere.

Oddly enough, the most satisfying story development unraveled on Desperate Housewives. Three of the leading ladies are facing serious conflict in the upcoming fourth season, one seems to have finally found the happiness she’s been fighting for since the pilot and one is probably dead. In case you haven’t already heard, last night ended with Nicolette Sheridan swinging from a hand-crafted noose. Edie’s always been the most unnecessary housewife, and series creator Marc Cherry has frequently hinted at her demise, but I still won’t buy her death until she’s good and buried. Her death would be a welcome change on the show, and I could easily see her replacing the long irrelevant Mary Alice Young as the soap’s not-of-the-living narrator. Only time will tell, but I won’t be wasting any of it mulling over the possibilities. That part of my brain is officially turned off until September.

Conceiving a child while starring in your own a primetime series has got to be a pain in the ass. And when above chest shots and strategically placed pillows no longer cut it, and babies start popping out, you’re left with just one painful option – an annoying and poorly explained absence.

Marcia Cross has always had an incredible knack for adding depth and charm to hackneyed soap operas. Her turn as Kimberly on Melrose Place was well-acted, and the storyline of her going bat-shit crazy was as interesting and entertaining as the show ever got. Now on Desperate Housewives, the extremely buzzworthy, come disappointing, come satisfactory and occasionally impressive ABC show, Marcia is once again the most deserving of the spotlight. But after false rumors of homosexuality were immediately followed by the announcement of an engagement (to a dude), a marriage and then a pregnancy with twins, Marcia has spent much of the third season in the shadows before going completely MIA for the past 4 episodes.

This is particularly rough because Marcia’s absence requires that they fill her screen time with the two worst people on the show: Eva Longoria and Nicolette Sheridan. Aside from the occasional storyline involving the housewives’ angsty teens, Eva and Nicolette provide us with the least interesting moments in a show that is frequently uninteresting. When you find yourself holding your breath until the next scene with Teri Hatcher, you know you’ve got problems.

All is not lost though. Marcia Cross and that creep from Blue Velvet return from their several month honeymoon for the May 20^th season finale of Desperate Housewives. And with no real mystery left in this season’s arc, one can only imagine the kind of last minute shenanigans they have planned.