Mikey Likes TV

Are the problems with America so deep that this is what we’ve come to regard as a sex symbol? At first I was convinced that Haley Scarnato’s endurance on American Idol could be attributed to a large Italian family with an good wireless plan. But now that her stay on Idol lingers and the hem of her skirt creeps closer and closer to her vajayjay, I’m starting to think there’s a correlation. Is Haley not the only person who thinks she’s hot?

I mean, I don’t. No one I know does. But this guy sure does, and so do a couple of widely read magazines. Last week EW.com published a poll, pitting Idol contestants of seasons past against this year’s crop, and I was more than perturbed to see Haley repping season six in the “sexiest songbird” category. Now I realize that the competition isn’t stiff, but must they really feed the absurdity? They didn’t even try to airbrush those linebacker shoulders! After People Magazine’s crotch shot of Haley in last week’s issue, I checked their website for any reflections on Haley’s appeal and found the poll you see to your left. (I made up the last option because there really should be a third choice for those of us who think that Haley lacks any semblance of talent or beauty.)

I realize that I shouldn’t focus all of my angst at Haley, but I’m just sick of self-absorbed hacks plaguing the top 10. I don’t trust America to vote for my pizza toppings, much less my popstars, but I really thought the judges would have better, um, judgment. They need to start weeding these people out before voting is made public. Each week, Haley and Sanjaya are taking these votes as severely misplaced approval. Since neither is going to win or likely have a career after the tour, all American Idol is going to do is make them completely suck at life.

Oh American Idol, you sneaky son of a bitch. You made us watch almost three months of filler, knowing we’d eat it up, under the false pretense that people would stop sucking once we got to the top 12. That has been the precedent, but for season six, such is just not the case. Last night’s performances were so unbearably boring, I found myself fast-forwarding them to get to the criticism; my favorite judge banter being Paula’s mini-emotional breakdown (does she cry or just leak?) and Simon calling Ryan out for being both a midget and a homosexual. The highlight of the night was surely the lesson we all learned from Diana Ross – that crazy people can be remarkably eloquent and gracious when given the proper dosage of tranquilizers. Who knew?

Though I am clueless as to who could possibly win this season, I will do my best to mock the more ridiculous and praise the least mediocre. Ladies and gentlemen, the 12 most talented undiscovered performers in America:

Poor Brandon Rogers. He sure is handsome, but he’s about as interesting as khaki pants and manila folders. He also set the evening’s interesting trend of speaking instead of singing, which is odd considering he’s apparently toured as a backup singer. Isn’t that where the raw talent is supposed to be? Brandon has a couple weeks left in him, but don’t expect much more.

Melida Doolittle won me over last week, but she’s gonna lose me again if she doesn’t give up this dewy-eyed, caught in headlights, lobotomized grin she keeps flashing. We’re all aware of how exciting and flattering it must be to not get reamed by Simon every week, but look at your competition. Sing more interesting songs and stop wearing clothes that accentuate the fact that you look like Bette Midler. Neck issues aside, Melinda is in it to win it. Top 3, easily.

I’m confident that Chris Sligh beat out Sundance Head to be this season’s overweight white dude based solely on his possessing normally proportioned fingers and by sparing us his tears. In his defense, his voice is much better than the arrangement of the song, but he’s still clearly on borrowed time.

Gina Glocksen has a horrible name. She also has a horrible voice and horrible “style” (is not opening her eyes for photos part of her look?). Gina may also have had the most offensively horrible performance of the night, but this girl has top ten written all over her. She is one of the millions of Americans living with a patch of florescent hair, and that is an electorate we should never underestimate.

Sanjaya Malakar has got to be the cheeriest car-accident I’ve ever seen, but I don’t know if I have the stamina to watch him play the happy fool every week. I feel like he’ll last a while because each season has its own awkward, untalented, flamboyant high school boy who weasels his way into the top 5 or so.

I believe in my heart that Haley Scarnato will be voted off tomorrow. But I also said this every week since the show went live. I really can’t get into the nitty gritty of why she’s so disgusting, because I fear I may cross the line, but I really hope America feels guilty for giving this retard Sabrina Sloan’s spot in the top 12 and that her simpering apology for SUCKING didn’t win her any new fans. Next!

Phil Stacey seems earnest enough, and, unlike most of the other twelve, he actually sang on Tuesday. He’s even kind of charming for the fact that he’s still such a happy dope after spending time in the military. Even that new dad grin just isn’t enough though, because Phil’s got two first names, and you can’t trust someone without a real last name.

Lakisha Jones has a lot of fans. The judges love her, Entertainment Weekly loves her, and loud family can’t get enough of her. I have yet to see the big deal and have been pretty put off by her over-confident song choices. Yes, she’s pulled them off, but she’s not saving anything for the rest of the competition. I see her in the top 5, but no way is she winning.

As of today (and every previous day) Blake Lewis is my choice for this round of American Idol. This might be because he reminds me of the obnoxious, reasonably attractive, Middle American guys I liked in high school, or it might be because of refusal to tweak his sound to appease the mainstream. Though it’s probably because he looks like So You Think You Can Dance runner-up, Travis Wall. I doubt he’ll win, but I’ll be damned if he isn’t a contender.

Stephanie Edwards has a pretty voice, but that’s really all I can say about her. She’s the one contestant who I’m neither disgusted by nor kind of in love with. And based on the fact that I miswrote her name three times before getting it right, I think she’ll fall soon after Haley. Or I might just be illiterate.

Chris Richardson’s rendition of whatever he sang had to be the biggest disappointment of the night. Not only was he not that good, he bounced around like some maniacal puppeteer was moving him across the stage. Chris is very attractive, so he is clearly safe, but he needs to recapture that suave Justin Timberlake vibe he’d been emanating the last three weeks.

Thank god for Jordin Sparks, or I doubt I would have been able to tune in next week (just kidding – I’d watch farm animals on that stage). Skirting under the radar into the top 12, Jordin’s strong performance of a boring song was the night’s most pleasant surprise. Given her new charm, and the fact that her name screams “pop star” she is most definitely sticking around for a while.