Ahhh, watching this with an open mind really let’s me get into Kristen Bell as an narrator. It may be amateurish and vapid, but I think that’s what they’re going for. Listening to the blogger narration makes me wonder if there actually is a Gossip Girl blog. There is! The CW has also recreated the Upper East Side on Second Life. Encouraging tweens to join a virtual world where most avatars have perpetually erect penises isn’t the most responsible thing to do, but kudos for being so Web 2.0, guys!

The episode starts with a brief, illegal pool party at the school that’s cut short when an extra drunkenly slams his head against a pole and falls into the water. I realize this an absurdly fake and glamorous portrayal of high school, but I can’t help but mourn how square it makes my teen years look in comparison. Then again, if I had grown up with kids this attractive, I would have made a much greater effort at being social. Anyways, everyone is under suspicion of having a key to the school and punishment will be severe. My attention to the plot drifted as my envy for the cast’s wardrobes overwhelmed me. Good thing there was a turtleneck to pull me back. Anyways part II, it turned out that Serena was the one who broke into the school, but she accepted responsibility for her actions and was not really punished. This bit is poorly developed because the writers were really feeling Serena’s icy mom this week. Too much screen time is devoted to the adult subplots of Gossip Girl. Kelly Rutherford is certainly a step up from Mrs Walsh and her mom jeans on 90210, but she’s no Kirsten Cohen.

The major struggle of any teen soap is the on-again, off-again romance of its leading couple, but I don’t see how that is going to work for Dan and Serena. They’re both too oddly mature and infatuated to ever mess things up, though I suppose that will change in time. At least with The OC we could count on Ryan’s silent rage and Marissa being an ambisexual, drug-addled moron to tear them apart on a monthly basis. Gossip Girl is just eye candy in its purist form. It’s not as smart or funny as similar shows have been in the past, but they don’t really care and neither do I. The current show is an admirable evolution from last summer’s pilot. I just wish everyone would stop saying “van der Woodsen” so much.

Midway through the soft-open week of the new season, tonight we get the premiere of two of the fall’s most hyped shows: The CW’s Josh Schwartz-helmed teen-soap Gossip Girl and FOX’s juggernaut of middle-aged star power, Back to You. Reviews of both pilots can still be read here and here.

My thoughts on Gossip Girl (9PM, CW) haven’t really changed since I watched it earlier in the summer – mostly because I haven’t thought about it again. If you’re at all inclined to watch a show like this, you’re not going to be disappointed by what you get. You’re also not going to be surprised, which is a shame.

As for Back to You (8PM, FOX), watching the first episode is much like finding yourself on a blind date with someone who is both unattractive and obnoxious. You stare at them blankly, waiting to be let in on the joke, but the punchline never comes. You were duped into wasting precious moments of your interesting life on a terrible mistake, and when it’s over, you’re angry and confused. Though I couldn’t care less about the two TV dynasties that stars Grammar and Heaton come from, I still can’t believe no effort went into making this show remotely dynamic. It’s total bunk.

If you’re going to take a chance on a new series tonight, you should probably avoid the aforementioned completely. Instead, check out the premiere of CBS’s scandal-soaked Kid Nation (8PM) – a show that puts 40 children in a ghost town and forces them to fend for themselves for a month and a half! I’ve only seen the ten minute promo that ran during the upfronts – so I can’t say that it’s actually any good – but it certainly could be the greatest thing to ever happen to reality television. CBS certainly thinks so. They’re already casting the second season. Find out if it’s worth it tonight, and come back tomorrow for my reaction.

There are far better uses of Kristen Bell than serving as the narrator to the CW’s upcoming teen drama Gossip Girl. She could, for example, work at the coffee truck by my apartment. Every morning we could have a snappy conversation about current events while she gingerly poured a splash of half-and-half into my large iced, and I’d feel that much better about the recent loss of my favorite television character. What’s the point in enlisting her talents if we don’t even get to see that darling cherubic face and her vast repertoire of expressions? Not much, I fear, but if that’s all she can get these days, I won’t get on her case.

Wait, Kristen Bell turned down a job on Lost? Kristen Bell got a recurring gig on Heroes? So what the hell is she doing slumming behind the curtain at the network that gave her a big, fat bitch slap? And how may rhetorical questions could these circumstances possibly prompt? Now that I know it’s not the only thing keeping K-Bell off of food stamps, I’m really not inclined to jump on the GG bandwagon. But if you’re considering it yourself, here is what you should know:

What is it? Based on a series of books of the same title, Gossip Girl is a teen soap about sex and social hierarchy at a fancy Manhattan boarding school. An anonymous blogger (modernity!) chronicles the interwoven drama of characters with such quintessentially old money names as “Van Der Woodsen”, “Waldorf” and “Archiblaid.” Honestly.

Is it any good? For what it is, Gossip Girl is fairly benign. The cast is attractive and capable of more than just lingered glances, but the writing (at least in the pilot) leaves a lot to be desired. Had the proposed Cruel Intentions series, Manchester Prep, actually come to fruition, it probably would have looked a lot like this. It was condensed into a straight-to-DVD movie because someone was keen enough to point out that the overt sexuality and corresponding humor of Cruel Intentions just couldn’t translate to network television. Also, people no longer cared. If Gossip Girl is trying to go the Cruel Intentions route, there is one terrible problem: wit is a nonentity, which is a shame. It’s hard to watch these characters take themselves seriously.

Will it last? Shows like this are the bread and butter of networks like the CW. With the failure of Hidden Palms and the waning lifespan of One Tree Hill, they really need this one to connect with their audience, and judging by their excessive promotions, they’re well aware. Gossip Girl could likely pick up on the audience abandoned by The OC. Then again… The OC’s audience had all but disappeared when it finally bit the dust.

Gossip Girl premieres September 26th, at 9:00PM on the CW.