Begin momentary pause of lifelong CW boycott…

As much as The CW marketing folks would have you believe, Hidden Palms is most definitely not The OC. The premise may be there – wealthy, attractive teenagers canoodle and make drama to a gorgeous California backdrop. There’s even the added bonus of two OC castoffs from some of the most hated story arcs in the show’s brief and rocky tenure. Taking a second to not even consider the lack of story in last night’s premiere, my biggest problem is that this vision of Palm Springs seems almost too ludicrous to take seriously – even on a soap.

With their nice cars, their country club and their unapologetically popped collars, I can’t help but wonder of if this is a remotely accurate portrayal of Palm Springs lifers. We know everyone in Orange County at least kind of rich/pretty/fucked up – Laguna Beach proved that. But I’ve always been under the impression that people who lived in Palm Springs, year-round, were townies. You wouldn’t make a show like this in, say, the Hamptons, because eight months out of the year everyone’s very old and/or living in a doublewide.

Now, ignoring the fact that no one on Hidden Palms works at a gas station, thereby nullifying any accuracy, how about our cast? Johnny, our would-be Ryan, has lived quite a life already for a 17-year-old. Once clad entirely in argyle, burning the midnight oils to make the honor roll, witnessing his father’s abrupt and bizarre suicide pushed Johnny into a world of booze and drugs. Just a year later, he’s already three-months clean, in a new town, and attending AA meetings with his only real friend, an aging, southern alcoholic transvestite named Jesse Jo. Johnny’s neighbor Cliff, seems innocent enough until we discover he may have had something to do with a late Palm Springer’s death and really enjoys arbitrary puppy-kicking.

As for the ladies… Sharon Lawrence, in one of her greater stretches, plays a hot, old slut, and Gail O’Grady is around to remind us that teen-soap moms aren’t always hot and fun – sometimes they’re boring and dumpy like normal TV moms. There are also two/three high school girls in the cast (one hot, one dowdy, one black), but they didn’t get much screen time in the pilot.

I’d like to say that my first trip to Hidden Palms was my last, but I’m too interested in seeing how they to incorporate the creepy puppet-faced man who kept popping up in their failed viral marketing campaign. Unless episode two takes a completely different turn from the pilot, puppet-face is going to be an incredibly hard sell.

… alright, end momentary pause of lifelong CW boycott.