Mikey Likes TV

Ok, folks, next week is your last chance to catch the brilliant (in an totally autistic way) Kid Nation. The overwhelmingly ironic appreciation for the show seemed to die down a few weeks after it started, especially when CBS started gearing the show towards children, but I promise you that it’s just as rife with ridiculousness as it ever was.

The biggest flaw of CBS reality programs is to try and give them some deeper context by providing fake back-story. The “journal of Bonanza City,” serves as nothing but an annoyance and occasional platform for episodic themes. Normally it doesn’t float with me, but last night it allowed us to see what Bonanza City would be like with one of its most interesting characters as dictator and queen. Self-described “30-year-old woman trapped inside a 14-year-old’s body,” Sophia (recently made sheriff) was put in charge when the journal told the town council to go on a vision quest to a staged Indian village several miles outside the set. Things went a lot smoother than I would have hoped, but it was a nice respite from the douche-tyranny of Greg, who brings the town’s average IQ down by at least the double digits.

It wasn’t long after his return that the council asked for the kids’ advice on who should win this week’s coveted gold star. They nominated their friends; they nominated some of the towns most shy and underappreciated; poor Zach nominated himself and was actually brought to tears by how much he felt he deserved it. This did not set well with Greg, and honestly, I cannot blame him. I was immediately reminded of the 3rd grade, when I lost the student council election because some fat kid, who may or may not have been named “Brandon,” cried during his speech and everyone took pity on him. I remember making a point about composure being pivotal to leadership, but it was all in vain. Thankfully, Zach was not as lucky as my former 8-year-old nemesis.

The crying did not stop there. At the end of last night’s episode, with the arcade no longer around to distract them, some of Bonanza’s most tender hearts gathered around a campfire and reflected on their experiences away from home. Anjay’s tears started a-flowin’ when he told the group that it was the only place he’d ever fit in. I don’t think he was the only one feeling that way. All of these kids, at least the ones under 12, are freakishly intelligent and capable of a maturity most of us probably don’t find until our 20s. That does not float in elementary school. I’m not saying that being dumb is ever cool, but I certainly don’t remember hanging out on the playground with kids who knew about the Homestead Act and could speak at length about the market price of gold. For most of our 37 remaining pioneers, this is it until college. They are doomed to suffer at the mercy of the Gregs of the world until they’re able to distance themselves from their awkward youths and find another band of likeminded peers who enjoy puns about carbon dating. Good luck, kids!

The Kid Nation season finale airs next Wednesday at 8pm on CBS

As it turns out, there is nothing remotely deviant or outrageous about Kid Nation. After months and months of speculation over child labor issues, the producers’ moral ambiguity and bla bla bla… it ends up being every kid’s wildest dream: camp without adults and the opportunity to win 20 grand every four days. But that didn’t stop them from crying… a lot.

The 40 (now 39!) children of Bonanza may still need therapy when they’re adults, but not because they were traumatized during the filming of this show. They’re just going to be permanently embarrassed that America saw them frothing at the mouth for 40 days without Ritalin. There were so many hilarious non sequiturs in the first hour alone, you wouldn’t be surprised if Bill Cosby was prompting them from behind the cameras.

Kid Nation does have more structure than I would have imagined. The arbitrarily chosen town council chose teams early in the first episode (blue, green, red, yellow), and after a fairly grueling contest, the pecking order was chosen. The red team gets paid a dollar a day to absolutely nothing (aristocracy!), the blue team gets paid 50 cents a day to run the stores and the town saloon (merchants!), the yellow team is paid 25 cents a day to feed the town (cooks!) and the green team is paid ten cents a day to cleaning up after everyone (losers!).

It’s no surprise that the first casualty comes from the greens. Eight-year-old Jimmy spent much of the first episode sobbing, and despite the heartwarming encouragement he received from the other children, he hit the road at the first opportunity. Jimmy didn’t go home because he was homesick though; he went home because he was on the crappy team and didn’t want to spend his summer vacation emptying porta-potties. I don’t blame him.

One star has already emerged: 11-year old Jared from Georgia (pictured above). When he’s not chasing farm animals and providing the show’s best social commentary, he’s making statements about how he hopes he doesn’t have to “poo” for the entirety of his stay. Jared’s bio and questionnaire on the show’s official website offers even more insight into his strangely brilliant mind. What is the one thing he would change about America if he could? “The media is often one sided with most issues in this country and it would be nice to have the whole story.” Jared is the type of kid I ignored when I was his age and find myself wildly entertained by now.

If you weren’t hooked by the awkward behavior and constant possibility for disaster, scenes from the next episode had to have been enough to reel you in. “We’re thinking about killing a chicken,” announces council member Mike, in a rare moment without tears. Well, Mike, we’re thinking about watching that.