To exist in the belly of a zeitgeist and never come close to understanding it is a frustrating fate. I’ve spent the last several months wondering how exactly I moved to the United States of Dancing with the Stars without even changing apartments or voting on any proposed legislation, but here I am. And I hate it. I hate it for permeating every form of media; I hate it for keeping Tom Bergeron on television; and most of all, I hate it for hypnotizing me into watching last night’s bloated, Celine Dion-fueled finale.

Before this season, my major beef with DwtS was that it took the hype and audience I’ve always thought was better reserved for So You Think You Can Dance. After all, SYTYCD is a dance competition where the people actually know how to dance and are free to perform less antiquated and more exciting routines set to contemporary tunes… and not orchestral muzak. There’s also the gakwer factor. A vast majority of DwtS contestants are pathetic at the start of the show, and even more are there by the end. If you’re lucky enough to ride the DwtS wave to legitimate success (like Joey Fatone or, apparently, Drew Lachey), more power to you. But you’re an exception to the rule. While your parents may always remember Marie Osmond as the slightly more feminine half of a beloved entertaining duo, most of us under 40 will forever think of her as that old cougar who fell ass over tea kettle after grinding with a man half her age.

As much as I’d like to be completely ambivalent about the competitors, I suppose I would have preferred prodigal Spice Girl Melanie Brown take away the giant, sequined golf-ball-and-tee-set trophy and the title of danciest star. Helio Castroneves’ toothy smile and saccharine spirit don’t set well with me, and I kept having flashbacks to Roberto Benigni’s chair-hurtling ’97 Oscar win whenever he was on screen last night. His stamina has impressed me though. He was already on the east coast this morning to dance for both Good Morning America and The View on zero sleep. If losing meant being able to go to bed, I would have preferred to be Brown. But based on her satellite interview with Diane Sawyer, I’m pretty sure all she did last night was drink.