Ok, folks, next week is your last chance to catch the brilliant (in an totally autistic way) Kid Nation. The overwhelmingly ironic appreciation for the show seemed to die down a few weeks after it started, especially when CBS started gearing the show towards children, but I promise you that it’s just as rife with ridiculousness as it ever was.
The biggest flaw of CBS reality programs is to try and give them some deeper context by providing fake back-story. The “journal of Bonanza City,” serves as nothing but an annoyance and occasional platform for episodic themes. Normally it doesn’t float with me, but last night it allowed us to see what Bonanza City would be like with one of its most interesting characters as dictator and queen. Self-described “30-year-old woman trapped inside a 14-year-old’s body,” Sophia (recently made sheriff) was put in charge when the journal told the town council to go on a vision quest to a staged Indian village several miles outside the set. Things went a lot smoother than I would have hoped, but it was a nice respite from the douche-tyranny of Greg, who brings the town’s average IQ down by at least the double digits.
It wasn’t long after his return that the council asked for the kids’ advice on who should win this week’s coveted gold star. They nominated their friends; they nominated some of the towns most shy and underappreciated; poor Zach nominated himself and was actually brought to tears by how much he felt he deserved it. This did not set well with Greg, and honestly, I cannot blame him. I was immediately reminded of the 3rd grade, when I lost the student council election because some fat kid, who may or may not have been named “Brandon,” cried during his speech and everyone took pity on him. I remember making a point about composure being pivotal to leadership, but it was all in vain. Thankfully, Zach was not as lucky as my former 8-year-old nemesis.
The crying did not stop there. At the end of last night’s episode, with the arcade no longer around to distract them, some of Bonanza’s most tender hearts gathered around a campfire and reflected on their experiences away from home. Anjay’s tears started a-flowin’ when he told the group that it was the only place he’d ever fit in. I don’t think he was the only one feeling that way. All of these kids, at least the ones under 12, are freakishly intelligent and capable of a maturity most of us probably don’t find until our 20s. That does not float in elementary school. I’m not saying that being dumb is ever cool, but I certainly don’t remember hanging out on the playground with kids who knew about the Homestead Act and could speak at length about the market price of gold. For most of our 37 remaining pioneers, this is it until college. They are doomed to suffer at the mercy of the Gregs of the world until they’re able to distance themselves from their awkward youths and find another band of likeminded peers who enjoy puns about carbon dating. Good luck, kids!
The Kid Nation season finale airs next Wednesday at 8pm on CBS