¡Ai, Dios mío! It’s been a long time since any of us have expected anything shocking or exciting from the VMAs, but we still think they could try. Britney Spears sauntered on stage last night for her much-publicized “comeback”, which pretty much everyone was looking forward to. And what actually transpired could not have been more of a disappointment; not because it was a failure (we were all kind of hoping for that, right?), but because it nothing happened. Screw the actual performance; Britney was just there to show that she hasn’t completely descended into trailer park obesity. I was hoping she’d embrace what she’s become (spike up that hair and wear something remotely modest), but what we got was a quarter-assed attempt at her glory days. She wore royal blue contacts to hide her dilated pupils, her armpits were seven shades lighter than the rest of her barely clothed body and her hairline reminded me of a wig you might see in an all-male community theater production of Kiss Me Kate – but I guess we’ve grown accustomed to seeing much worse.
Lipsynching was once excusable for Britney. No one thought of her as a singer, and the amount of movement her performances demanded almost required miming. But Britney didn’t dance last night. The barely conscious mother-of-two shuffled/walked across the stage, never lifting her feet more than three inches off the ground. Cuts to the audience were painful. Not even the sparkly bra and panties (oh, shiny!) could hold 50 Cent’s attention – and if you’ve lost 50, it’s safe to say the rest of us are long gone. Everyone was bored as hell, but in the end, no one looked more bored than Britney. I half-expected to see a trickle of drool running down the left side of her chin by the time she was finally done.
Believe it or not, that was the high point (that, or MTV News veteran John Norris’ eye-shadow – you’re old, John!). The rest of the night was so overproduced it was hard to tell what exactly we were watching, and without any real host, it was up to the bevy of similar-looking guests to offer occasional commentary and introductions. I recognized about one third of them – proving how out of touch with this network really am.
How about that Rihanna though?