If you haven’t already heard, “charity campaigner” is the newest and most awesome euphemism for “whorish amputee.” And we can thank the hosts of Dancing With the Stars for that little gem. In what must be the most obvious and reprehensible ratings ploy in history, Monday’s premiere of DWtS brought with it the highly anticipated dancing debut of Heather Mills (McCartney).
Dancing With the Stars has become one of TV’s most inexplicable phenomena, and while I know very few who’ll admit to having ever watched it, I doubt I’ll still be able to say that on Tuesday. The perverse and glorious prospect of seeing Mills’ prosthetic leg fly off mid-Salsa is too appealing for even the most prim and proper. This is a sight that could bring in even the most obstinately anti-reality tubers among us. And it’s not news to the producers.
The show started with former 90210er Ian Ziering, an easy choice for this season’s champion seeing as how he’s paired with the winner of the previous two seasons and looks like he just woke up from being cryogenically frozen since 1994. What followed was a two-hour parade of the usual overweight, unrecognizable morons they try to pass off as a celebrities, all the while teasing us with flashes of Mills’ waxy leg. Just get on with it!
And a few minutes shy of ten, they finally did. After an impressively lengthy introduction that lacked any mention of Paul (what else is there to talk about?) and a quick highlight reel of Heather’s early trips and spills, the dancing began. She seemed to be carried most of the time by her poor sucker of a partner and looked so stiff and uncomfortable, you have to wonder if she’s regretting this mid-divorce publicity stunt she’s trying to pass off as a vehicle to inspire limbless children. The judges were courteous and she scored right down the middle, but no matter how many weeks America casts a vote for her leg to dislodge and take out a Leeza Gibbons, I don’t think we’ll ever get it. Heather isn’t taking any risks on this show. Smart on her part, because she just isn’t capable of busting the tight moves required of the most Star-tastic dancer, and she certainly shouldn’t be donning the obligatory bikini bottom and sequined pasties. Sorry amputee kids, looks like you can’t do everything.